Thursday, February 19, 2009

Simply Amazing!

It would seem that I'm cursed with this thing called "guilt".

On different years, we have had our "slim pickin'" times and hoped feverishly that miracles would happen. We have gone through being told to get ready to bury two of our children or face the consequence of a hard life for them. Fun news, fun news...
Even being unjustly evicted because we fought the management from living with a rickety front set of stairs, electricution from bad porch light wirings and rotting bathtub foundation. Not to mention caring for a son that started out with jaundice, double pnuemonia and fibrile seizures.
Or how about silently panicking while fervently praying for our 18-month old little girl old who swallowed a penny which slowly choked her, but she first had to suffer from hunger and dehydration because the nurses couldn't prep her for anesthesia while simulataneously almost overdosing her with anesthesia because of labeling error on her bracelet. Or not having enough money to put on the table, away from all family, in a new state and it's almost Thanksgiving.
We suffered job loss, taking on multiple jobs to put food on the table, fallen-through job interviews and prospects. Even loss of first home purchase opportunity and not knowing when the next bill can be paid.
We went through all that, just like many of you, so why is it that when things are good for us, I feel guilty comfortably celebrating, afraid to acknowledge and shy to shine?
Why is it? It's not like it's a natural response, to me it's almost unnatural-- I can feel impending doom and pain of others and as if getting ready for a storm, I brace myself for it because it becomes physically painful for me. (Of course, when we're the ones suffering, I feel of everyone's joys too, and I feel hopeful for us...)

For example, last year and this year, we have successfully pinned down a budget system that can help us get through some "unforeseeables" (word?), but then I started to feel that unbearable guilt but this time, it all came at once...

Two women, I've heard of, lost their babies.
My baby sister, her van broke down and couldn't pay for it in full so they held it and she had to beg for rides to work and walk to the garage to give them the downpayments.
Two of my neighbors are suffering financially.
A young friend is in danger of becoming homeless.
One of my brothers, will lose his job this September.
Last year, I had to beg Heavenly Father to spare my niece's and SIL's life from a difficult and dangerous pregnancy.
My mom got sick that worried her doctors.
My FIL was operated on for a mass in his system.
My MIL had leg pains that became almost unbearable.
A neighbor and friend came to me for help with reaching out to our church.
Read about so many kidnappings and assault of children, here in Texas alone.

The list goes on and on... And it hurts so much that I find myself crying instead of celebrating my family. I don't know why this happens to me, but it does and I'm so glad that I have a blog that I can celebrate each of my amazing children and wonderful husband. A blog to let people know how wonderful they are, each and everyone of them. And the love and laughter we share everyday. I am so grateful beyond words that I have my three children and a husband who is crazy about his family.

My family is amazing, good or bad times.

Just thought I'd tell you...


Ma and Pa said...

I totally hear you. When I am down and out on my luck I can find the good in every situation. But when things are good, I see how hard it is for other. I wish there was another way to set up the economy. Like, there being no such thing as rich and poor. But everyone getting what they need and some wants.

If only...

CC said...

Thanks, Jenny... I'm glad you understand. It's crazy isn't it though?

Hugs, Carolyn

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

Dear CC

You have so many blogs I didn't knwo which one to respond to

To join Gollums "Mr Linky" you have to go to her Foodie Friday post for today and at the bottom you'll see all the anmes of people who are posting a Foodie Friday add your name in the little box that says "Add Your Name" and link to your foodie post link in the space that space.
Did you write to Gollum and ask for her help? She might be able to explain it better. Good Luck!