A Repost: Just Me

From January 23, 2009

ME, MYSELF & I

Growing up, I had very few friends and mostly boys at that. Even after I came here back in 1987, I tended to befriend boys easier than the girls. I did belong to a group of 12 girls that I still keep up with, but my most meaningful and memorable friendships were with the opposite sex. Of course, after a while, the eventual spread of unsubstanstiated rumors got the best of me. I started to feel uncomfortable about having so many "guy" friends. At my wedding reception, it was very apparent that most of the guys that attended were "of my party". I think it was because I grew up with four older brothers that I got along more with the boys, and having a younger sister and an even younger step-sister made me act more like a second mom to them rather than a friend or mere sibling.

Like I've mentioned before, it got to me. I wanted to have some real "spill your guts out without fear" kind of female friends, but I guess it's just not that easy for me. Sure, I have Facebook, but I see that as more a storefront to how many friends (or the friend of a friend of a friend) you could link up with. It's great for genealogy though! In comes blogging... In blogs, thru comments bantering, I find my equals, my mentors, my life classmates. It is exhilarating!

Just like many, I started just to have a quicker way to log down the day's adventures. I didn't really share it with others in the beginning, but as I found more friends from back in AZ and the comments they get, I was able to see just how many women out there see things the way I do, feel the way I do, about their families, careers (they gave up), relatives and friendships.

In real life, I quake in my boots to talk to many women because gossip and husband bashing eventually becomes the "special of the day". And then there's the jealousy aspect of hearing about and being with other women. I grew up surrounded by all of that and I really try to avoid it, so most women, they don't understand that about me. Very few in fact, because venting is women's main crutch to hold themselves up. I do vent a lot, but not about my husband or another woman who I think is prettier than me or more talented, but rather my venting is more about "why am I so different from most women out there?" "Am I afraid to be a friend or are they afraid to be my friend?" It gets pretty tiring, you know, not to have someone close by to talk to.

Of course, I can't count the exchanges of given and shared advice because that comes with the territory of being a woman and a mom, much less an LDS mom. Thru blogs, I've found and met talented, beautiful, resourceful women who know how to bring a repeat audience into their cyber journals. I've met women who are truly hoping for a miracle because their faith is what sustains them. I've met women who are so creative, they can write about things that I've never thought about or hoped to remember again.

Being LDS and a mom, I read a lot about the great childhood they had and have used it as bonds to connect with others, but me, there was nothing like that: I had to learn things on my own, find things that bring out what's good in me, on my own. As it turned out, it was food and children. I dress my tables in the most appetizing way I can because that's how I respect food- growing up hungry and all (Just like Sandra Lee, I know...). I was a lonely child then, so children from lonely homes seem to find me and they find that connection thru my own very friendly children. My best callings have been in serving children.

My daughter L-Infinity, 16, last night said, "I'm so glad you are the kind of mom who stops what she's doing to listen to what I have to say." (funny, since I was dusting the table while she told me this) "I hear many of my friends, LDS or not, complain about their parents not listening or being too strict to talk to them, and then they meet me, then you, and ask me how we do that."

This is my true self; I am lifted up by children's innocence, their need for attention and my respect for food. The few friends that I count, it is because they let me be who I am though we don't seal it with scheduled lunches or shopping trips. I've been told that I don't take care of myself enough or that I could do with more ME time, but that's not who I am. I love staying home because I moved so much in my lifetime. I love to read children's stories because I never got to. I didn't like much mystery then (my kids do now)(I'm a fan of the supernatural) because the books belonged to my brothers. The other things that I can do, I learned from all the LDS women that have crossed my path, and for that, I thank Relief Society.

I love reading others' blogs because I see myself relaxing; by laughing with them, it helps me remind myself to laugh at my own situation and appreciate the small things in life. I cry with those that poured their hearts out. I scream with those frustrated authors. I rejoice and go ga-ga over posts about beauty, rewards, accomplishments, discoveries and great talents. I read them all because each one makes me think, and boy do I love to think! I read and I leave a comment because, as one of my friends reminded me, she reads all of her comments. (Thanks, Lara!)

I could write about how I didn't like the "weaning and potty training" stages of my children plus I hate ironing. Or that if I have my way, I would only make Filipino food all the time, but I'd be facing a sure mutiny in the near future. How about how our diva of a cat still thinks the new couch is her biggest scratch post despite the awesome cat tree my dh made with his own hands. Or, that I have a habit of not finishing projects, that I am a literal zombie due to a family with 3 schedules. What about that I'm afraid of growing veggies of my own despite promises to my 9-year old enthusiast. Or even how I like to observe people, though I am not a people watcher, being able to decipher reactions pretty accurately. But truly, I find all that frustrating and awful to remember (but it's funny reading about it in y'alls blogs!).

So... I write in my blog about things that are good in my life; careful to focus on the highlights of the day. It's not to have a perfect front (as others like to describe it), but to show anyone who wants to linger in my blog, my own struggle to appreciate the life that I now enjoy- which only took about 20 years to receive. (So yes, I feel somewhat hurt when other blogs claim that "only good news" blogs like mine are only fronts to cover up the bad. I find that it's a little bit judgmental. Just a tiny bit...)

You see, I'm a faithful sap, meaning I look at each blog as a different chalkboard to take notes from, from different teachers of life. And just like different teachers, bloggers have different ways of looking at their lives and which part of it they wish to share. (Just sayin' y'all...)

I feel that everyday is a gift; not because mine is never as chaotic as most people's (oh, the stories I could tell you!), but rather, at the end of the day, I make a choice- to dwell on the bad but funny or the good that makes me hang on to my sanity and show my family how great they truly are. This is my journal after all, plus we talk about how funny and imperfect we are (even with visitors) that we can all laugh about it now rather than later. Right now, everything is still surreal to me- a great husband who truly cares about me, three wonderful and beautiful children who can hold their own and a life that I am truly grateful for despite the lack of excess in resources.

Back in 2007, I taught in RS a lesson about how gratitude leads to happiness. I recall being so inadequate to teach it, but equally excited to share the good news. I came out of it just as well fed as those I hopefully fed with my lesson. It spoke of how gratitude leads to better actions and decisions that bring about happiness. But to me, throughout my whole life journey so far, my pursuit of happiness has been my source of gratitude... It's been the only consistent workout routine I've been able to stick with! To the women that I've truly connected with (you know who you all are, thank you so much!). Those that taught me much thru your leadership, thank you. To those that left a kind word with me or my family, we are in your debt. And to those new, I thank you for letting me know I'm not an alien, just different...

Why write this long missive? To show all of you how much I love all blogs, except those truly offensive of course. My talents now were born through your examples. But most of all, I am still a woman who secretly wants to be just like all of you. I've been different my whole life, and it's getting pretty tiring you know? I truly want to get to know you and your friends. Share this post with them and see how many other women out there can relate to me.

Thanks for letting me "read your eyes off"... 'Til next post! :D

Saturday Social

Today was spent gardening, essay writing, attending birthday parties, essay writing, eating, essay writing, showers, essay writing, seeing Monsters vs. Aliens (LOVED IT! YOU NEED TO SEE IT!), going to Jo-Ann's for some Easter clearance hunting (found a great egg dish- 70% off; yes I only grabbed one item, I've got a "wish list" of dinnerware I'm saving up for), quick soup sipping, essay writing, bedtime praying, hugging, kissing, essay writing, essay writing, essay writing, essay writing... (can you guess who did what? LOL)

So tired...

How did you spend your Saturday?

Easy Essays?

It would seem that when you focus on something, that's when LIFE says, "Yeah, right!"

Wednesday night, I got started with my first final essay out of the 4 mini ones I had to do for my last two Public Admin classes. I actually finished one, but getting started on the others seem to be more complicated. I got maybe halfway with the second one... Did I mention I needed to do 4? By Saturday night? For points of 25, 25, 50 and 100? Yeah, I can feel my boots sh- shake a b-b-bit, j-just a bit... ;-)

In the morning, my brain stopped and asked for chocolate, lots of it! But then, my brain decided to take a rest and watch Food Network. Then Disney! After school, I had to watch a little girl. She's fun and got along great with my kids. Then nature seemed to call me. No, not the water closet kind of call! Nature! You know, trees, birds, flowers?

We walked around, picked up the mail, looked for beavers at their dam at one end of the creek. I found this bird that flew, walked and hopped! I think it was a Northern Mockingbird because it looked like this!


From Pbase.com
We even found some white bearded iris just growing wildly at the side of the wooded area near our apartment complex. Maybe some frustrated gardener thought that her rhizomes were bad and threw it out. You know, as they mentioned in Jurassic Park, "Life will find a way..." Those rhizomes found just the right combination of moisture and nutrients in that spot and boom! Up they grew! The blooms are simply beautiful... I took a picture with my phone, but it didn't turn out quite as clear as I wanted it to so here's a comparable photo I borrowed online.

From Sunset.com
We also realized that we've never been to and that it's time we used some of our hard earned dollars to help out Papa Murphy's so we had their Chicago Style Pizza and Cinnamon Wheel. It was so good that I got an extra big hug from Charlie. Love that! Maybe take out again tonight? ;-) Lovely combo... (Ok, getting hungry again) If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. If not, maybe it's time...

Ok, back to the scent of highlighters as it glides onto the paper illuminating the information I need for my essays...

Easter Break, Some benches & Fun Memories

So today is the last day of school for Easter holiday. They won't have school tomorrow which is good. That means I can get a lot done in the living room while the kids clean the blinds, windows, mirrors and their bathroom and beds. I'll also take my children for another walk to Tuesday Morning and Kroger for last minute Easter stuff we've been watching out for, while Mr. Man settles into his sleep. My fingers are tightly crossed that my target items (I've watched for about a month now) will be on sale.

Today was just another opportunity to get things done so I chose to do some visiting teaching. I visited two out of my three ladies. It helps that both of them are also becoming my close friends. After much blog hopping today, I also got to finalize in my head what our Easter table would look like. As it is also my mom's birthday, I wanted it to be a more fun and yet Easter appropriate table while recognizing I have three young children. So we'll see what we can come up with...

In the afternoon, my neighbor and friend Annette shared she saw a great bench that can go under one of the trees in front of my apartment to sit on during the upcoming warmer days to enjoy the breeze and it jogged my memory of how I wanted a pair of wrought iron/wood garden benches on each side of the front door path, facing each other. As we are definitely staying for until L-Infinity graduates next year, I think we may do just that... But then again, I need to make sure that we reduce a lot of what we don't need in the house so that we can truly focus on what would make more inviting inside before we focus on the outside.

Below is my front door, I don't know if you can see what I'm talking about, but I am telling the absolute truth when I tell you we have the best unit in this whole complex. Each day, we are able to witness the sunrise and the glow of the sun setting. We look out onto a 50 plus yards of just grass area ending into a narrow creek filled with turtles, a beaver, fish and an occasional snake. The creek separates us from a small wooded area that is home to some coyotes (further out) that sing to us every night, bunnies that come out at night, all kinds of birds, and our complex is full of dog owners and we have a good group of young children that play together well with our children now. Once again, our apartment area is the play hub of the neighborhood. I love opening the windows and hearing children laugh and play! Especially my two younger ones, Jas and Ian...

Look at that natural canopy/shade action going on at our front door. It is so refreshing during the day when we open the door and windows and let the breeze in. We have about a 5 foot path to the main walkway and dirt on each side. Can you imagine how inviting it would be to have facing benches and my two urns full of seasonal plants at each end of it? Mmmmm... my imagination's going wild!

And tonight, we headed to Walmart for a new front door rug as the other one has seen better days from the wet season we've had lately, plus it's about 4 years old, so I think it was ready for the garbage bin.

Trek down memory lane: It was 2002.

We watched some home videos when I-Dude was only 5 months old and J-Pony was three. We were all in our Gilbert, AZ apartment master bedroom and I-Dude was by the pillows in the middle of the bed playing with his toys. I was folding his clothes next to our director, Mr. Man. J-Pony was helping me fold the clothes by unfolding each bib and towel and refolding them by rolling each one up, bending it in half, twist it tight and pile them on top of each other. L-Infinity was making fun of my socks being in the laundry pile because I rarely wore any. Then you hear J-Pony, without being in the picture, "I, are you a Gerber baby? Are you a Gerber baby, I,?" I-Dude responds by eating his toy Sassy frog.

I then snatch up all the bibs and towels from J-Pony while she was distracted to refold them. She realizes they were gone and asks, "where are the clo-tes? L, where are the clo-tes? Mommy, what happened to all of I's clo-tes?" While watching this video of her calmly looking for her brother's "clo-tes", we are busting up laughing with her. She says, "Mommy, I was three then!" While L-Infiinity kept on saying, "I-Dude was so fat!"

Aaahhh... sweet memories. Nothing like it! Mr. Man will soon transfer all of these tapes into DVDs. That should make it easier to view next time...

What? When Did this Happen?

Ok, you're probably going to think I AM so unorganized lately, but hey, life happens, you know? Even the Feng Shui girl, Stephanie McWilliams get overwhelmed with life. It happens!
In the midst of my schooling, the kids schedule, Charlie's work hours, two adorable but picky pets, tablescaping, blogging, penny pinching, household duties and photography (pant, pant...) stuff gets overlooked and things surprise you!

(You're reading this and two things are happening right now: you can't stop nodding your head because you're laughing from seeing your own chaotic days, or you are saying, "Man, I can't believe she's so overloaded! I'll never be like that!" Yeah, like that'll happen! Good luck with that...)

Anyway, so during the last 10 days, we only: (The rest of the story...)
Ate, played with, used, didn't use, portioned, thought of, avoided, cleaned, planned and gave away (excess) food and items that are in our apartment. And during this time of "self-reliance", I personally discovered (with some looks of transparent surprised ("what? we didn't have anymore? we ran out? I didn't know we had that...") faces from my brood) that...

1. Our burner liners were becoming a set of fire hazard charcoals from spills. That's what I get when I try to teach my children responsibility (LOL). It is nothing short of a miracle that we didn't produce "ash smelling or charcoal tasting" dishes, that's for sure!

2. Our whole apartment has become host to most of our kitchen towels- the dirty ones- FOLDED! (It was maddening at first, but after a while, it was hilarious to see them in so many different places.) Again, responsibility is such a two sided blade... ;-)

3. We have not had a bath mat in the kids' bathroom floor since our cat, Cece, prefers to pee on them rather than her litter box! Ewww! But, the kids safety comes first so we gave in and grabbed one today. (I don't know if it'll be a nice surprise or the kids will try to telepathically convey to Cece to leave the mats alone! Or... give me a glare that'll melt me to the floor for setting up another soon to be disaster. What do you think? LOL)

4. We've been cleaning the bathrooms with one brush. (gag fest over here!). Normally, most won't see anything wrong with that. We were being frugal is all, you can all understand, right? But, our bathrooms are a whole story apart, so can you imagine what kind of a yucky transport that is? This is how it normally goes: when I need it, I use it and leave it in our bathroom (no window- hate it!). When the kids need it, normally Lisa's in charge, she has to ask to get it while grabbing a hole-deprived grocery bag to transport the brush upstairs! She then cleans the said toilet in distress, toss the bag, rinse the brush, spray the tub with Lysol, rinse with hot water then cold water to sanitize it. And vice versa... the cycle goes on. Why?!

5. That most of our books have been read and read well (most are worn from being read in different rooms and spots in our small living room) that my children can "continue" the stories playing the game, "What If..." (I told you I have cool kiddos!)

6. That I like using my crockpot (what? when did that happen?) My MIL gave it to me a few Christmases ago, but had very few reasons to use it then, but the last 10 days, it was key to my flexibility in putting together a meal and great tablescapes! I'm a new fan! Does this mean I'll use it more, just maybe, I don't like to make promises I can't keep, you know... ;-)

There, so now you know the rest of the story of our "Being Self-Reliant" Family Project. We were lucky to be so "equipped" to do this without realizing it in the beginning. I kid you not, I was the one most worried as I'd be the first to be thrown into a volcano ready to spew if we happened to not have enough food to play with and enjoy. I'm Filipino, Charlie went to the Philippines, my children survive on rice and soysauce. You get the picture... Whew!

Oh, did we tell you? We also celebrated with ice cream... We hadn't had any since we paired them with angel food cups! Yummy exhale... And a trip to Walmart today...

Life... What does it really mean?

I love having a blog and reading my friends' blogs because it helps me put my views into perspective. And through our written stories, we bond and we tackle the most daunting item on the list, we call it, simply, life...

Take me for example, my brief stint in Gilbert and Mesa, Arizona was wrought with misery. Not because it was a bad place where we were, but I found me miserable because as I've previously mentioned, I'm Asian and from a tropical island called the Philippines. I couldn't handle the heat, the dry and the dust. I remember feeling very claustrophobic in our very first apartment in Gilbert, it was dark, we were the bottom apartment and we faced a main road that blasted dust into our patio day in and day out. I went insane! We transferred to an upstairs one and I was happy for a while but our bottom neighbors couldn't handle the noise of small children and constantly told on us at the office and blew smoke upwards through our balconies! We were veritable prisoners!

Then of course, we transferred to the ASU Williams Gateway Housing and each morning was so quiet and deserted that I thought I would crawl out of my skin! I didn't want to be happy anymore... I just wanted to get out!

But life has a way of turning things around... I have met a handful of women that have truly left a lasting impression in my heart and each of them I still care for. The fact that we have found each other through our blogs, show me that we have yet to care for each other. Each one was an example of love, patience and motherhood to me that I can never learn on my own. (I hope they don't mind that I comment on their blog the moment they post, lol) We celebrate each other through different means and find ways to strenghten our bond despite the different directions our lives have lead us. Blogging, I think is purely inspired...

I love my children so much that I am a "Motherhood" student still hoping that someone would be smart enough to compile all successes and give it to me personally! But until then, I continue to be in awe of these few women that have shown me that home is where I make it to be. A handful of them is all that made me feel grateful I am a mother during stressful times, but it is enough.

Their triumphs, joy and pain, I feel... I want to run to them and rescue them from their hurt. And someday, somehow, I can do that for them, even just to say- "Thank you for teaching me to be a better mother."

Right now, we are all mourning with our dear friend, Crystal Eldredge and her husband Spencer , for losing their son, Sage, at 8 months old last Thursday. Each of us have known Crystal in our own special way and along with the entire Eldredge and Reidhead families, express our love and concern. She is one of those examples that shines without anyone's help. She is simply amazing in all that she does and still find time to compliment others. Some of us will come to her side, some will send their love and some, like me, will say goodbye to Sage the same way as Crystal on Wednesday, even though I am two states away. Life, no matter how you define it, is a gift to cherish and when given the chance to flourish, has a way of binding people; and children is the best glue there is...

Sage; meaning healing herb or wisdom

I can tell you that this precious little boy's name was also inspired; he certainly HEALED his parents of any void they were feeling in their lives and WISDOM to know the truthfulness of the gospel when he joined them, though briefly... That is how I feel about all of my children, and on Wednesday morning, they will join me in releasing colorful balloons in honor of

Sage Lawrence Eldredge

Thank you Heavenly Father for granting my desire to be a mother to prepare me to meet these ladies that will always be a part of me...

Sabbath Gratitude

So like lately, I was plagued with insomnia. Which meant, I didn't doze off until 5:30 this morning! Aaaaaahhhh!!!

Anyway, it was a struggle to stay awake for the two little ones that are super energetic from abundance of rest and having a quiet day. It was a struggle to get up and do anything that required standing up in fear of falling over from feeling sleepy!

Now that you get the picture of how tired I am... Let's move on to the positives- instances that made me want to cry from overwhelming gratitude. (Sundays do have that tendency if you take the time to see, hear and listen)

First, the kids let me sleep in though I couldn't. (It maybe because they put up a tent in the living room which took up all the space...)

Next, they cleaned it all up and made me a bed on the couch plus some awesome snacks (we're talking chocolate here people!)

Then, Ian told me a great joke:
Ian: Mommy pretend you're my teacher and ask me to spell VACUUM

Me: Ian, please spell VACUUM

Ian: VACUUM, V-A-C-W-M. VACUUM.

Me: That is wrong. There are two U's.

Ian: I know, I said W because there are two U's. Get it? Double U.

Of course, there's Pandora (dot com) that you can pick your own songs according to what you like only. For Sundays, choose Kenneth Cope. The best part, it's FREE!!!

I really love my tablescaping blog and the love from the comments are just so overwhelmingly wonderful that I truly wish that I can meet all these wonderful women. Most are grandmothers, but I think, I'll fit in just fine...

Plus there are the awards that above mentioned women bestow each other in the name of blogging friendships. So cool!

Then, you all know that Lisa's Academic Decathlon Team made State and off they went to Houston. Throughout, she texted and called. Most were just today's and she's missing my cooking. How awesome is that?

Our Sundays are not always perfect, reverent or quiet, but it certainly is the day that we always find reasons to be grateful for what we have.

How is your Sunday so far?

I love Mariah Carey!

(Though I don't agree with how she dresses; I'm glad to have found this modest photo)

Because she came up with these two awesome songs!!! I had to copy down the lyrics as reminders that I am not from another planet.

They relate to who I am- a faithful sap! :D

How I fell in love:
When I Saw You

Soft heavenly eyes gazed into me
Transcending space and time
And I was rendered still
There were no words for me to find at all
As I stood there beside myself
I could see you and no one else

[Chorus:]
When I saw you
When I saw you
I could not breathe
I fell so deep
When I saw you
When I saw you
I'd never be
I'd never be the same

Only once in a lifetime love rushes in
Changing you with the tide
And dawn's ribbon of light
Bursts through thte dark
Wakening you inside
And I thought it was all untrue
Until there all at once I knew

[Chorus]

With no beginning and
Without an end
You are the one for me
And it's evident
And your eyes told me so
And your eyes let me know...

[Chorus]

How I live my life:
When You Believe

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could

[Chorus:]
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

[Chorus]

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way clear through the rain
A small, but still, resilient voice
Says help is very near

[Chorus]

Which songs describe who you are?